Jedi Master Kat | Bounty Hunter Master Spiral Fett | Sith Master Belgarion | Trade Federation Master Whitney

Jokes

This section is for Jokes that have to do with Star Wars for now, we will add others later. These include funny Deck Designs and Card Reviews as well as standard jokes.

Who came first, the chicken or the egg (Interview)?

1. Leia thinks it was the egg because Han Solo is definatly NOT a chicken
2. Darth Vader thinks the chicken because chickens go "gobble gobble" and Vader thinks it's funny when they do that
3. Jabba thinks the Chicken because Han Solo definatly IS a chicken
4. Boba Fett thinks the chicken because you get more bounty for a chicken rather than an egg
5. Jar Jar thinks the egg because he thinks he was born in one and that's when it started
6. Luke thinks the egg because he thinks he's special (the best answer we got from him)
7. Han Solo was busy
8. Tarkin thinks the egg because it has superior taste unlike the chicken
9. Yoda says the chicken because he is knowledgable enough to know that things evolved from 1 cell animals and then those started laying eggs

5 Best Insults and Comebacks in Star Wars

5) Insult- Calling your friend a scoundrel.
Comeback- Freezing your friend in carbonite.

4) Insult- Telling a girl that she is in love with him.
Comeback- Kissing that guys best friend.

3) Insult- Being nearly shocked to death.
Comeback- Having your daddy beat him up.

2) Insult- Being thrown into a pit.
Comeback- Killing that persons very large pet.

1) Insult- Telling someone that you can smell them from very far away.
Comeback- Blowing up that persons home planet.

10 cards decipher cut

10. Coruscant: Boba Fett's Charm School
9. Jedi Test #7 Cooking Your Dad
8. C-3P0's Lightsaber
7. R2-D2's hunting rifle
6. Salacious Crumb's Super Star Destroyer
5. Comb The Wookiee! (Epic Event)
4. Gamorian Holo Chess Board
3. Jabba The Hutt: Commence Primary Indegestion (Epic Event)
2. I Find Your Lack Of Pants Disturbing!
1. Jabba's A-Wing

20 reasons Star Wars is better than Titanic

1. Titanic may be big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Star Wars has WAY better action figure potential.
3. Yoda could use the Force to just lift Titanic out of the water.
4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a diplomat, a freedom fighter,a brilliant strategist, and Jedi material; Rose is just cute marriage bait.
5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't say "WOW! Look at the size of that thing!" with any sincerity.
7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by an evil madman with a lightsaber as opposed to an idiot with a handgun.
8a. Titanic is egalitarian in that it portrays poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to the rank of Admiral.
8b. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he greases his hair, sneers at the poor, and treats his fianc�e like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he wears an ominous, voluminous black cape and mysterious mask, strangles people with a glance and blows up entire planets for sport.
10. Yeah, okay, so Leo can dance...but can he fly an X-wing?
11. People have never lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut. Now c'mon...who's really the brave one here?
13. Two words: Harrison Ford
14. There are always more than enough escape pods in Star Wars.
15. Do you have any idea what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would either... A: Cut himself free with his lightsaber; B: Use the Force to get the key; or C: Han Solo would come in at the last second and blast the cuffs off.
17. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
18. We all knew the boat was gonna sink, but who was ready for "Luke....I am your father." ???
19. Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg!
20. Han, though frozen solid in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament, returns in excellent health to mount a successful mission against the Empire on Endor, crushing the enemy and single-handedly paving the way for a brilliant air campaign which results in the destruction of the Empire's second attempt at a Death Star, AND claims the heart of his woman with whom he will live happily ever after. Jack, on the other hand, simply freezes.

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE...

10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.
9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."
8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedos and always lead to the "main reactor."
7. TIE Fighters have no shields.
6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.
5. Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!
4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.
3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.
2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.
1. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.

15 Lines from Star Wars that can be improved with the word "pants":

1. You are unwise to lower your pants.
2. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
3. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
4. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
5. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
6. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
7. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
8. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
9. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
10. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
11. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
12. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
13. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
14. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
15. Get this walking carpet out of my pants!


TOP TEN STAR WARS-ish THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A SURPRISE VISIT TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM:

10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty quick."
7. Say to them as they come through the door, "You've got a lotta guts coming here after what you pulled."
6. PARENTS: "Hi, we just stopped by to see if you would join us for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you!" (distort face) and throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money. If they question why they should give you $(fill-in-amount), have a friend yell, "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is such a mess, reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them. I've let go of my conscious self and acted on instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how school is going, say "When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."

===============================================================
YOU MIGHT BE AN ARKANSAS JEDI IF...

You've used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

You've ever heard the phrase: "May the Force be with y'all."

The pattern on your Jedi robe is camouflage.

At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You've ever had a landspeeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters."

Wookies are offended by your BO.

You've ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to stop watching the WWF pay-per-view special.

You've ever used the Force so you didn't have to pay for the WWF pay-per-view special.

Your father said to you, "Shucks, son come on over to the darkside... it'll be a hoot."

You've ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You've ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You've got a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You've ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Levi's. You've had the doors of your X-wing welded shut so you have to climb in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Darth said, "Luke, I am your father... and your brother."

===============================================================
You should join the Dark Side if:

You like flashlight tag.

You think Yoda should be hung by his giant ears for his atrocious grammar.

You want to show your potential cronies "a shocking good time".

You smoke too much.

You chase your friends around the room with a flashlight because they hid your inhaler (bastards).

Cloaks and wheezing is just your style.

Midget aliens sense much fear in you.

You don't mind having a name that rhymes with barf.

You like blowing hippies' planets to bits for no good reason.

You need a serious facial (all those wrinkles...).

You think laser scalpels are just plain cool.

===============================================================
If you're a stormtrooper, it's ok to shoot when:

Crazed smugglers charge at you and a bunch of your friends.

A swarm of stick-wielding teddy bears come at you.

Bagel-headed princesses (even if she's your boss's kid) shoot garbage chutes.

Funny guys in robes with flashlights come at your boss with said flashlights.

You get jumped by a hyperthyroid dustmop and his bear friends.

Jedi wannabes show up in your docking bay.

A former smuggler and his cronies haven't been whipped into submission and try to rescue their friends.

A golden-colored robotic wimp and/or his trash can friend are anywhere within sight or hearing distance.

Anybody gets promoted to Admiral because you need to make it quick and easy for the poor sucker.

===============================================================
How do you know if you've got Star Wars Fever:

You can quote all three movies...without watching them.

You have a concurrent nightmare in which you have a lightsaber fight with Marilyn Manson, and in it he chops off your right hand and tells you he's your father. (I'd be scared, too!)

Your dog's name is Chewbacca.

You actually know Jawanese.

You attached two table legs to the front of your '82 Datsun and painted 'Rogue 2' on the side in big red letters.

Your bedroom resembles the Emperor's throne room on the Death Star... only instead of a window looking out into space you have a 60" tv in which you continuously roll all four Star Wars movies that are out on video.

You traded your '67 Gibson Les Paul (mint condition) for one of those new Darth Vader Guitars.

At periodic points in your room, you've set up action figures to represent different scenes of the Star Wars movies (and yes, you've counted the number of stormtroopers three times in scene #742 to make sure the number was accurate).

You read every single piece of Star Wars literature printed...each month.

You spend your time making up dumb jokes like these.

===============================================================
#10 Rejected Cards aka Star Wars: Unglued

10: Darth Vader's Inhaler
9: Stormtrooper Bob, The Weak-Minded
8: Artoo's Deah Star
7: Dagobah: Yoda's Bachelor Pad
6: Jedi Test #7- Roasting Pop
5: Luke, I'm Really...Humpty Dumpty!
4: Palpatine's Walker
3: Darth Maul's Picture Of Mom
2: Coruscant: Senate Restrooms
1: Jar Jar Binks, The True Emperor



===============================================================
Duct tape is like "the Force."
It has a light side...
it has a dark side...
and it holds the universe together!

Q: What smells worse than a Hutt?
A: A wet Wookiee!

Q: How many Ewoks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ooooohhhh Shiny!!

______________________________________________________________
Improvements that could be made on the Movies:

Ep 4:

The stormtrooper waste Luke at the moisture farm. The movie ends.

R2D2 gets kidnapped by the Sand People and becomes the "Holy Tin Can." He is summarliy rejected when they find out he isn't full of Gatorade.

Luke misses the shot at the Death Star...but Porkins makes it! Porkins gets Leia but trades her to the Hutts for a lifetme supply of Twinkies.

Ep 5.

Chewie romances Leia, not Han. While Han gets frozen, she shrugs and says she digs "furry things"

Captain Kirk shows up on Dagibah, and HE gets to become a Jedi Knight. He busts up the Emporer and gets to go home, a gaggle of Twi'lek dancers in tow.

Ep 6.

Jabba throws out the alien band and gets a clone of Ozzy Osbourne instead.

Instead of a Rancor, Luke is fed to---BARNEY THE DINOSAUR!!!

The Jawas sign up with the empire and fight the Ewoks on Endor.

Luke tosses water on the Emperor to short him out.

The second Death Star turns out to be a huge balloon. Lando pops it with a dart.

Ep 1

Somebody, ANYBODY wastes Jar Jar.

Ep 2

Yoda and Darth Tyranus suddenly develop Alzheimer's and drop their lighsabers. "What was I doing just now?"

Anakin kills Threepio.

Obi-Wan kills Threepio.

Padme kills Threepio.

Threepio keeps his battle droid head. It's an improvement.

===============================================================
Funny Deck Designs
Traders Anonymous
Dark Dealing
The Swarm!!!
Star Wars VI: The Rejects
The Night Santa Went Crazy
Traders Anonymous: Overdrive
Dark Dealing
The Wiffle Bat Battle for Augusta GA - Dark Side
The Wiffle Bat Battle for Augusta GA - Light Side
===============================================================
Funny Card Reviews
Wulfe Luer
Stormtrooper Bob
Jedi Master Kat

===============================================================
Funny Stories
Pookie the Balrog